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So our National Football League Journey to Division 3 Football begins with the hosting of Waterford in Aughrim on the 28 of January. Part time Sex Symbol and full time Wicklow Football Manager John Evans and his charges will pit themselves against the best that his counterpart Tom McGlinchey and the men from down around the bum hole of Ireland can throw at them.

Like the two married sales executives who were doing the naughty behind their respective partners backs while working at the Spanx Factory, this also promises to be a Tight Affair. Knowing it will be extremely hard to separate these two sides, we have decided to compare each counties assets to scientifically determine who will emerge victorious from this season opener.

WATERSLIDES:

CLARA LARA  (Wicklow) v SPLASH WORLD (Waterford)

Wicklow go a point up here with a Water Slide for the ages, one which was reputedly the most vertical slide in the known universe. They say shit flows down hill and thankfully they were right because manys the floater was hatched by a panicking child as they contemplated their poor life choices after indulging in a bumper amount of false bravado on the school tour bus on the trip up. Thrill seekers in the Waterford area however did not have the privilege of having a white knuckle ride of the magnitude of Clara Lara’s Water Slide. Instead the greatest fear they had to overcome was a fear of the dark as they slowly meandered down the lazy river style waterslide in Splash World Tramore accompanied by the odd floater hatched by a kid with a fear of the dark.

WICKLOW 1-0 WATERFORD

TOWERS:

GLENDALOUGH ROUND TOWER (Wicklow) v REGINALD’S TOWER (Waterford)

Leaner, Meaner and miles more attractive the Round Tower in Glendalough absolutely Towers over its Waterford rival who it pains us to say is not in the best of shape and is carrying a few love handles if we are being brutally honest. Its not even close when it comes to which is more attractive with more people visiting Glendalough’s Tower than the combined visitor numbers of both Reginald’s Tower and the Slovenian made “Waterford” Crystal Visitor Centre. Somebody throw in the towel, poor Reginald has had enough.

WICKLOW 2-0 WATERFORD

AQUARIUMS:

SEA LIFE BRAY (Wicklow) v SEA LIFE TRAMORE (Waterford)

The Nations Flagship Aquarium is located right on the heart of the beautiful Bray Sea Front where you can look at over 1,000 amazing sea creatures in a state of the art facility. Sea Life Tramore however is more like the Gogglebox of Aquariums as it is here you can look at over 1,000 creatures looking at the odd few sea creatures that have had the misfortune of washing up there. On one such occasion Scientists managed to record and decipher the panicked calls of some very unfortunate humpback whales to the rest of their pod after getting beached in Tramore. The scientists managed to decipher their pained calls to translate roughly into “Well shit in me Plankton Pie anyways don’t tell me its Waterford! Oh Jesus it is Waterford Help, Help oh sweet Jesus Help, we don’t want to die stuck in this Sh*thole”. Just like the bald hedgehog, Waterford still have no points.

WICKLOW 3-0 WATERFORD

BEER:

WICKLOW BREWERY (Wicklow) v METALMAN BREWERY (Waterford)

I LOVE BEER! Those among you lucky enough to have suckled on the sweet, sweet nectar from the bosom of the Wicklow Brewery will know that Wicklow’s Beer is spectacular. If you threw the Beauty of Ursula Andress, the Sweetness of a Rose of Tralee contestant, the Finesse of a Russian Ballerina and the Strength of Hercules into a blender you’d still be nowhere near creating a liquid of its distinction. With that said I have not had the pleasure of sampling the delights of the Metalman Brewing Company so i will have to reserve judgement in the interest of fairness and award one point each.

LEGENDS:

KING DON (Wicklow) v JOHN MULLANE (Waterford)

A picture speaks a thousand words………………………………Game, Set and the Match.

 

FINAL SCORE: WICKLOW 5-1 WATERFORD

Scientific Unbiased Match Prediction: Wicklow Win

NFL DIV 4 Round 1: Wicklow v Waterford

Venue: Aughrim

Date: 28 February 2018

Time: 14:30

Dress Code: Sexy Casual