Border News

Sensational news as Wicklow County Council’s Head of Border Security Tina Healy has unveiled her departments plans for the rezoning of the county boundary to release the longtime Wexican Sympatising town of Carnew into the control of the Juan Connors Cartel that oversee the lawless hordes of the great unwashed to the south.

After repeated cases of Wexican refugees managing to breach our border measures with the latest case leaving an awful stench in the Glenealy area after two Wexican Refugees set up home in some bushes in the area, Ms Healy reiterated that our safety is paramount with the diseases that the Wexicans are known to carry being a major hazard so extra funding has been released to reinforce the border wall separating the good people of County Wicklow from those Strawberry flogging Infidels!

The new southwest section of border wall will be built along the new border lines as the people of Shillelagh have been trusted with a last warning to do a better job of reporting illegal Wexican immigrants than Carnew did or face the same faith. The unprecedented levels of Wexican Refugee presence in Carnew forced the authorities into the most drastic action ever witnessed and they now find themselves stranded on the wrong side of the wall after the border line restructure. It was believed that final straw for the authorities was the reports that some Carnew residents may even have mated with some of the illegal Wexican immigrants. Now this, if true, would have been a major privilege for the primitive Wexicans who were only delighted to get a bit from a better race of people, but the fact is that for an intelligent better class of people it was a major error of judgement and posed serious risk to tarnishing the pure Wicklow bloodline. “We can’t have smelly halfblood kids running around the County who would go on to dumb down the gene pool in future years so we decided to cut it out there and then and remove Carnew from County Wicklow” said Miss Healy.

A provisional rezoning map has been drafted and we are delighted to exclusively reveal it to you:

Work on the new wall will begin in mid October and should be completed by early February 2019 and we spoke to one Carnew resident Francie-Alma Cousins who said she feels distraught at the prospect of being cut off from civilized society and says that the decision will be a fate worse than death for the people of Carnew.

Its not all sadness though as the Wexicans are so delighted with the news that they will be able to sniff the toilets where Wicklow arses once sat without fear of prosecution and Wexican Construction outfit Senor Developers have commissioned a 12 foot statue of Wexican King Storey’s Mustache to be unveiled on Carnew Green at the Carnew Welcoming Party.

If you have information on illegal Wexican immigrants at large in County Wicklow then don’t hesitate to contact the authorities or Bill Hill and we will knock the strawberries out of them fairly rapid and shave the mustaches off any Wexican Senoritas caught this side of the border. You can get in touch on any of the three hotlines below:

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