How to Spot a Hatchet Man by the type of Hurling Helmet he wears
Dr Nicholas Riviera, Head of the Bill Hill Centre has published the following Guide for spotting early signs of Manic Psychosis in Hurlers based of their choice of Hurling Helmet. Thanks to this study you can now predict how deep shit creek is going to be before you even dip your toe and still have time for that old back injury to suddenly flare up and get your little hiney as far out of harms way as possible.
The study has categorised hurling helmets into four main categories with varying degrees of danger posed by each category. It also gives tips on how to survive a chance encounter with one of the wild animals that can be found in many watering holes near GAA pitches throughout Ireland.
So without further ado we give you the Bill Hill Guide to Psychotic Hurling Helmet Wearers!
The Upside Down Washing Basket Brigade:
Lets just start by saying you don’t need Bill Hill and his Science Department to tell you the extreme danger of going toe to toe with someone who decided to attach a face guard to the wife’s Laundry Basket. The danger posed by the absolute weapons you will find wearing these cutting edge Irish Engineering masterpieces is not just to the unfortunate opponent who will be tasked with marking these lunatics, oh no the danger here also applies to teammates, referees and anybody within a 36 inch radius. You see the major design flaw with the Upside Down Basket is that the odd shaped helmet will not sit snugly on even the most square of heads so in the heat of battle these abominations will as sure as shit slip down over the eyes of the crazed lunatic wearing it. This is where most sane people would attempt to adjust their helmet or even change helmets long term but not these soul and shin seekers. These creative psychopaths have developed an almost bat like sonar system whereby they swing their cow shit stained lump of ash in wide ranging arcs until they make contact with some unlucky bystanders anatomy. When this sensory orgasm hits the Basketeer the feeding frenzy truly begins, with more swinging than you’ll see in a Brittas Bay Car Park, blow after blow will be delivered to its stricken prey. It is estimated by the Science Department that a Basketeer can inflict as many blows of a hurl in 30 seconds as a hummingbird can flap its wings. If you encounter one of these abominations stay more than 36 inches plus arms length from them at all times and you should survive the encounter. If you get caught inside this zone then make your peace with man above and brace for impact.
The DIY Cooper Crew:
These manic individuals are perhaps the most understated of the four groups. There is that unmistakable glint of “there’s definitely something wrong with that guy” in their eyes. They will happily butcher any non suspecting opponent who crosses them just like they butchered the DIY job they’ve done on their helmets. Generally they will have attempted to attach a mesh of steel rebar they welded together in the cow shed to an old cooper helmet with a few rusty gutter bolts and stuffed the chin with a lump of kingspan held down with about 20 cable ties or baling twine depending on availability. They pride themselves on the amount of hurls they can break across opponents and are 90% responsible for the lack of Ash Trees in Ireland. If you see one of these Culchietronics Experts in your opponents ranks then Do Not Under Any Circumstances attempt to solo by or perform anything remotely more elaborate than pucking the ball near them as this makes you a legitimate bird of prey for these Shin Vultures. Wristy Hurlers lose wrists to these masters of the dark arts.
The Bobble Headers:
Ah the Bobble Headers, the most unpredictable of the four groups due to the different sub species contained in this group. There are two distinct types of Mycro Bobble Headers that you are likely to encounter with drastically different outcomes for your personal well being. An encounter with the herbivorous section of the Mycro Bobble Headers will be an absolute joy as these guys have no thirst for blood whatsoever and are generally made up of the softest and least skilled members of a GAA team. They are usually very limited in the skills department and will spend their time on the pitch seeking out little daisy’s to make lovely flowery wrist bands for their opponents. Sadly its not all free love and harmony with this group and here is one distinctive difference you should make a point of being able to distinguish in the appearance of the Bobble Headers that could well end up saving your legs if not your life. You see the Happy Go Lucky Herbivore section of this group will look like a lollipop, little chicken stick legs with a round top that rattles around their heads because their heads are too small to fill out the helmet, however there is also a Carnivorous blood hungry section of this group who will look very similar to their herbivorous counterparts except they have absolutely massive heads and the helmet straps will be extended to the max. Some scientists think its the existing deranged mentality combined with the pressure of the helmet squeezing so tightly on their brain cell that makes these the most vicious killer known to a GAA pitch. You could easily mistake a gentle harmless herbivore and extend a hand of friendship only to have it chopped off with a swift swipe of their weapon/hurl from a similar looking Carnivore. These Carnivores have no interest in wearing a helmet but they will generally not wish to miss out on the opportunity to kill and maim so will reluctantly wear the helmet of a herbivore they’ve killed at the one training session per year they attend in order to pursue their blood lust. There is no real advice to save you from the danger they pose bar educating yourself on the tell tale signs in the differences between the Bobble Headers. If you see that abnormally large head anywhere remotely near the pitch then just walk away there will always be another day.
The last of the four groups and the ones filled with most seething hatred and immense anger. This group make the Protestants look like a Catholic Church Fan Club with their complete distain for Gaelic Football and any heathen who dares play it. These guys have such burning hatreds for anything remotely related to the big ball game that they hack apart innocent footballs with hurls and their bare hands and fashion their distinctive headpiece from the carcass and wear it proudly like an Indian displaying his scalps. Lets just stop to think about that, they hack footballs apart and wear them as a helmet, dear god!! They also seek out and hunt the Gaelic Footballers who for their sins have also thrown their hands to hurling with a ruthlessness that is unimaginable. The most psychotic of any of the groups, they will only rest when every hint of Gaelic Football has been beaten out of their opponents. It is rumoured they have attempted to burn Gaelic Footballers at the stake for practising witchcraft and sacrificed many suspected ballers to appease the hurling Gods. There is no escaping these hatcheteers if you have ever graced the football field, they keep a little black book and if your name is there, not even Bill can save you! Stay safe out there….