Crack open the champagne we have €11.2 million to celebrate as last nights dirty big Lotto Jackpot was won by someone who bought their ticket in County Wicklow which means they have to be sound and share the love with us!
The winning ticket is rumoured to have been sold in Tinahely but there was also a rumour it was sold in Lacken which gave us a great laugh if nothing else with scientists up in Lacken still only on the cusp of inventing the wheel.
If the rumour is not true that the ticket was bought in Tinahely we have put together an idea of what the winning ticket holder will most likely spend the winnings on based off which part of County Wicklow they hail from:
Lacken Lotto Winner:
Lets be real here the odds are stacked against it being a Lacken Lotto Winner but we will play along and pretend it could be. After bashing their next cave door neighbour with a club, the Lacken Lotto Winner would most likely purchase some Wooly Mammoth Willy’s to honour their fertility and sexy time God so that they might make big grunt with Hairy Lady more!
Roundwood Lotto Winner:
No prizes for guessing this one. What makes the world revolve in Roundwood? Yes you guessed it the very understated beauty that is the voluptuous Wooly wonder, the Wicklow Cheviot Sheep. You can be sure the Roundwood Lotto Winner will be feeling extremely Sheepish going up to collect the 11.2 million cheque but think of all the girlfriends that it could buy for the cold winters nights in Ireland’s Highest Village not under the influence of Class A drugs.
Barndarrig Lotto Winner:
Jedediah and the Butter Churning Chaps In Amish Barndarrig wouldn’t give a heck about some fancy thing called a Lotto even though a new hay barn and a new butter churner would make life a heck of a lot easier. Milking your sister would be a lot easier too with some modern tools and technology that the €11.2 million could buy and a few new hurls for Wicklows only all Amish hurling team would be very welcome.
Carnew Lotto Winner:
A house in Tomacork, the Beverley Hills of the Deep South would be exactly what Billy Bob and his darling Wife and Cousin Billie-Beth have dreamed about since they were just young kissing cousins at the Carnew Mart all those years ago. Billy Bob dreams of a slick fade to compliment his mullet while a new state of the art Anti Pregnancy bed is just what Billie-Beth has dreamed about after the birth of her 14th child who mysteriously only had ten toes unlike the other 13 of her offspring😅
This one is simple, A set of Tina Heelys for every known family member and Journey will be flown in for a live private performance of Don’t Stop Beliebing while Tops come off and tits jiggle as Tshirts, Bras and small people are swung passionately overhead with the night capped off by a goosepimple enducing rendition of I’m Singing in the Rain!
Greystones Lotto Winner:
It’s Loike you’ve totes won the Lotto already by just living in G4 and spending your Dad’s massive bank loans on G4 delicacies in Happy Pear and Donnybrook Fair! You have the funds to actually definitively prove that Ian Dowie and Willie O Hagan are not actually the same guy buy paying to have two Football legends in the same room at the same time! You now also have actually got the money you’ve pretended to have for years so the people of Killiney won’t consider you an actual peasant any longer and you can now afford to get one step closer to that dream by purchasing a property on the edge of Shankhill and pretending it’s Killiney South. You’re now in a position to actually buy the Range Rover you rent on the weekends to impress your girlfriends parents who think you’re a hotshot entrepreneur running a highly successful tech start up company when you really sell Wexican Strawberries from a hut outside Gorey and you once put batteries in the radio that hadn’t been working when you started the job.
Being connected to a petrol station is very important to the people of Kilmac and the first thing any god fearing Kilmac resident would do with their winnings would be to fix that oh so important bridge before the craic gets out of hand!
Rathnew Lotto Winner:
Most will never openly admit it but every Rathnew person has at some stage broken one of the 10 Commandments Moses bestowed on them all those years ago! Whether it’s shifting someone from Wicklow Town or frightening the shite out of a Wicklow GAA official you’ve done it but you can now pay to make it go away😅 The Rathnew Winner will be a sure bet to bankroll the sequel to the much loved Epic Cinematic Blockbuster “Life of Pie”