Dan The Mann – Wicklow Mann Helps Cork Club To County Title And Munster Final

Sadly Wicklow and Donard/Glens loss has been Corks gain as ex Donard/Glen club man Dan Mann has been busy bringing Cork Football to a level they could have only dreamed about as Dan played a key role for his adopted team Dromtariffe as they claimed this years Cork Junior A Football Title and were just narrowly beaten in the Munster Final. A hot commodity to all bar Baltinglass FC, Dan’s ability to man his post coupled with his superb ball handling skills are most likely what lured Dromtariffe to Dan’s services and it was most likely these skills that made Dan a keeper not just for Dromtariffe but also for his beautiful Cork fiance Loren who will happily become a Mann when the couple marry next year.

Dan and Loren have a beautiful daughter Caoimhe who is her daddy’s number one fan and was there to celebrate with her daddy after capturing the Cork title with Dromtarriffe who welcomed him in as one of their own.

We got in touch with a few of the local GAA chiefs in Dromtariffe through a local interpreter as Cork folk wouldn’t have the best grasp of the English language and we asked as to whether the rumours were true that the overspend on the redevelopment of Pairc Uí Chaoimh was in fact due to the money being required for the transfer fee to secure the services of Dan The Mann from Donard The Glen. The Dromtariffe spokesperson said that there was absolutely no basis in these false rumours and said that the tribal leaders from Donard Glen were happy to let him go for two goats, a signed Zac Dingle pencil case and a couple of pints in the Sandpit.
We enquired as to how Dan was adapting to life in a foreign county where they don’t speak English very well and how the locals had reacted to his presence and we were told that he doesn’t like the forwards ‘dinking’ him which we believe is the local term for “chipping him” and not an extremely embarrassing spelling mistake from our interpreter who had it spelled with a letter “c” in the transcript. He has also became somewhat of a local celebrity as Corks only legit radio station, Radio Roy begged him to come in for an interview which Dan duly obliged and declared his undying love for Lauren straight after this years county final.

His on field performances are what Dan is best known for though and we were keen to find out how he has been performing, as keen as a Tipperary man trying to marry his cousin if we are being honest. You can take Dan out of Donard but you can’t take the Donard out of Dan as our local source confirmed taht he has continued to practice the other teams kickouts rather than his own and has Dromtariffe’s coach Kieran Creed’s heart broke. He has also decided to integrate himself gently with the future in laws and tore his future brother in law Evan a new one after Evan’s misfortune in getting a black card after the Munster final.

As we in Wicklow know only too well young Daniel used to fancy himself as an outfield player once upon a time and back in his Wicklow GAA days and at corner forward he found himself one day making a run for the ball from the 14 and being a tad unconventional his knee like a wily squirrel managed to find the corner backs nuts and unbeknownst to himself the corner back who went on to be a great soprano hit the deck leaving Dan with about 30 yards of space and only 21 yards out and all the time in the world while his marker was in agony. The crowd drew in a loud gasp as Dan shot and the ball came within millimeters of nearly decapitating a young lad standing at the door of the clubhouse and all fingers now point to that being his last game out the field so you could say that horrendous miss was what forced Dan into goals and won St Nicks the Minor in 2011 but who knows. Old habits die hard though as Dan still has notions that he has always been a misunderstood forward hidden in a Goalkeepers body as Dan managed to bluff the locals into believing that he was the second coming of Colin Corkery and played one match in at Corner Forward and managed one shot but that shot was an outside of the boot shot and didn’t even trouble the entire net at the back of the goals but the young one playing in the garden next door to the corner of the pitch still wont play in her back garden since that day.
A high scoring goalkeeper like Dan was never going to let one bad shot define him and sure as shite is brown a chance came and he took it in an encounter with Championship rivals St Michael’s where Dan finished to the back of his own net with aplomb giving himself no chance to save his own miraculous effort.

The Bible has two main Testaments, The Old Testament and the New Testament and as we all know Jesus was a key figure in the Bible and was shocking popular around Nazareth and handy at the carpentry and the odd miracle. With Dan being not great at the carpentry or miracles but somewhat on a par with Jesus and almost as popular as Zac Dingle with the locals around Donard we thought it only fitting that like any good bible we should have Two Testaments written for him so we got the Testaments of two Donard Glen men who we shall call Matthew & Mark to hide their identities.

Matthew’s Testament:

Dan The Mann, a seriously good goalkeeper, who at times, loved a cameo appearance out the field, played a couple of Junior league games for Donard/Glen out the field, Daniel thought he’d get a handy game at corner forward…’Middle of the field number 8, Dan Mann’ Fat Dan and aerobic activity aren’t the greatest of matches to say the least, still in fairness he made a couple of lung bursting runs, one standout one was winning the ball in his own half back line, running the length of the field, he’ll surely tap it over, be some score, scuffs it wide and falls over with exhaustion, ready to calve he was.

When we played soccer with Balto, Dan broke his ankle and his eagerly anticipated return came sooner than expected, struggling to get 11 players for a match against top of the table Parkville, ever the hero Daniel Mawn steps up to put back on the number 1 jersey, fresh off crutches and with a pin still in his ankle…’Jaysus fair play to you Dan…’ we weren’t saying that at full time, bet out the gate 10-0..!

He played another league game against Vale Wanderers, we conceded a couple of early sloppy goals, Dan wasn’t best pleased, after the second or third went in he completely lost the plot, f’ing and blinding left right and centre, after a while this kept going and their keeper turns to Froggy and says, ‘Does your keeper have Tourette’s or something?’ If that doesn’t tell you the shouting and roaring he was going on with I dunno what will, all sneering a side he is an outstanding keeper, probably the best goalkeeping performance I’ve ever seen was by him in the 2011 Minor Final against Rathnew, Man of the Match and gave us a couple of days celebrating after, he had the man of the match award broke after two minutes in the celebrations, he’s a keeper we’d love to have back in Donard/Glen but maybe just keep it to the slagging for this post, we don’t want him getting to big of a head…😂😂

Mark’s Testament:

Funny story on Dan Mann from our time at Baltinglass Town Soccer

We were playing in an end of season U16 Carlow cup soccer match vs Derry Rovers. Our last ever match for the club and a big match so we were taking it very seriously.
Dan was in the goals and was an ever reliable keeper throughout the season. A colossus of a goalie. Close to player of the season I’d say. Surely he’d be unbeatable today and we’d sneak a 1-0 win. Well…not quite
We were 5-0 down after 90 mins and Dan was having an absolute howler of a game. I’d say at least 2 if not 3 of the 5 goals were Dan’s mistakes
We had conceded defeat that much we decided for the first time all year we’d stick him up front and put me in goals.
30 secs later we got a penalty. We had a regular penalty taker but there was only one man to take this one…no prizes for guessing who.
Dan puts the ball on the spot, walks back to the edge of the box. Pauses. The Balto team, subs, management and strong crowd of 20 spectators excited at the prospect of our goalie redeeming himself for such a sh*te game
He starts his run up….picks his spot….meets the ball….and CONFIDENTLY….
scuffs it 5 yards wide of the right hand post 🙈 Full time. His time at Balto FC was no more


Now for any of the lovely Cork people who may be reading this you don’t know how lucky you are going to get in the New Year as you will get to partake in one of the Worlds Greatest mysteries, A Donard Wedding…..Luckily for you Bill Hill was the first and only outsider ever to be permitted to attend a Donard wedding and never one to miss an opportunity, old Bill took a hidden camera and recorded the event so the world would know what really goes on up in the Wild West. Enjoy this and will see you all at the wedding, i’ll be the guy with big blue beard so don’t be shy i’ll have a pint of Beamish…..

On a more serious note we wish to thank everyone in Dromtarrife and Donard who contributed to this post and well done to Dromtarrife on their County Title and all the best for the future for Dan, Loren and Caoimhe and may the wedding be a great one.

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