A recent study on the bullshit Irish People say while on holidays has brought to light several revelations. A shocking 98% of the Mary’s who post poolside photos of their big hairy toes along with the old reliable “I could get used to this” caption (all the while grumbling to themselves that it’s too feckin hot but you can’t be letting the neighbours see that on your facebook) do in actual fact never get used to it.
In fact 98% of them return to their miserable ways of moaning about the rain, the cold, the heat, the humidity and the rate at which the batteries in the vibrator need changing upon returning from their 10 day bender in Salou!
What about the other 2% Bill Hill hears you ask? A quick observation of the Eire Og Greystones GAA club members tan in mid March will show you that these fine residents of Costa del Greystones have their hairless, waxed and far more sexy toes on display all year round, albeit in their custom made tanning chambers which can house up to 20 waxed individuals at a time.
A further survey of Irish holidaymakers revealed that 9 out of 10 Irish families encountered temperatures exceeding the hottest ever recorded on planet Earth while on their holiday. A recent study conducted by Trinity College of people with swords, red wine and notions uncovered the formula used by Irish holidaymakers to calculate their holiday destinations temperature:
(Hottest Temperature to be found on all the weather apps + 5 degrees) X (2 [If talking to someone else who has just been on holiday] OR 3 [if it’s the posh friend who goes on two sun holidays per year]) divided by the number of people who actually give a bollox about how hot you say it was (This number always equals 1 which represents the shitetalker themselves)
Phrases like “it was 35 degrees in the shade” and “the barman said it was the worst heat wave he’d ever experienced” (in the three months he’d been working there which is generally not revealed) will be used by these families to show that beyond any reasonable doubt that their holiday was hotter than yours!
The fabled price of the pint will also be a major factor in determining the success of the sun holiday as studies show that 96.4% of Irish holidaymakers paid less for a pint on their holiday than their rival Irish holidaymakers with most Irish sun holiday destinations all but giving it away for free if the Irish holidaymakers reports are accurate. “Sher where would you get it” is the universally accepted term for describing cheap beer and how appreciated it is by many Irish men and women on their holliers!
An in-depth study carried out on 100 Irish Holidaymakers also found that “Spot the Paddy” was among the top five phrases uttered on day one of an Irish Sun Holiday. This phrase is multi purpose in that it can be used to deflect from the fact the you are also as white as Casper’s Ass Crack by using it when spotting a fellow pasty tourist. It is also most likely to be used when a badly sunburned tourist is spotted nearby or especially when some nonce from Nobber in a Meath Jersey from the early 90’s, wearing white socks and a pair of Jesus Sandals passes you by.
So Enjoy the holidays and don’t forget that you might get cheaper pints abroad but you’ll be travelling a long time before you spot a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder on the continent!!!